Reflecting on why I’m writing this blog, I really just started to feel like a baby. In so many ways I don’t feel like I have the right to complain about how I’m treated, because I should be strong enough and independent enough to just leave, but the truth is I don’t have anywhere to go. I can’t just up and leave. We have animals that depend solely on me that I cannot relocate. Yeah, I really got myself in deep. I’ve always been one to carry hope and think everything will work out. I see how it could work out, because in my mind I don’t understand how someone could marry someone they don’t love.
This brings me to the fact that I do believe that my husband loves me in his own way. He loves what I do for him, even though he won’t admit it. He loves having a person who does the cleaning and the grocery shopping. He loves that I break my back to get things done around this house and on the off days where my illnesses keep me from getting anything done, he makes sure to ask what I accomplished for the day. Where I have to admit not much. In a healthy relationship little things like these wouldn’t be any big deal, but when someone devalues you, every little dig breaks you. He doesn’t say “I’m sorry you aren’t feeling well, or can I make you dinner tonight?” He says “oh” and walks away.
I get stuck in this whirlwind of wondering if it is selfish of me to want to be taken care of every now and then? Is there something wrong with me for wanting my significant other to pat me on the back every now and then. Should I just be confident enough in myself to never need words of encouragement? Is there something wrong with me for wanting to think my husband thinks I’m the prettiest girl in the room? I use to think that you obviously felt like your significant other was pretty amazing, or you wouldn’t be with them, but over the years I’ve learned this not to be true, well not in my marriage anyway.
When we were first married, my husband ended up telling me that he chose me, because I was the most well rounded person one night. Now I feel like you need a little back story on me. I have probably had some high expectations in life. I’ve always been that person who stands out, who sings the national anthem at the high school game, who pushes herself to win more awards in military leadership school than any one student ever has, the person who heads up food drives and volunteers at the local VA hospital. I’m that person who use to shine a little. I admit that people have treated me like I was special for much of my life, mainly because I truly always push myself to be the best I can be in any given situation.
As you get older, you realize there are millions of amazing people in this world. I don’t actually feel like I’m special or that I need other people to think I’m special. I prefer not to make myself standout anymore. That said, I feel like I will always want to think I’m special to my husband. Truthfully I want to feel like my significant other thinks I’m amazing, but the more we are together, the less I feel anything good about myself.
I was the mom who made sure to breastfeed for at least a year, and make all their baby food myself. Not to date myself, but this was before it was the cool thing to do. I was just being me. I made dinner every night and packed my husband a lunch for the next day. I found out he didn’t eat my lunches, he just threw them away or let a coworker eat them while he ate out. So I stopped packing his lunch. Then came the criticisms of my cooking. Now I am the first to admit that I’m not an amazing cook by any means, but what I do know how to cook, I cook well. When you have a Latino compliment your burritos, you know they must me good, right!? LOL. When I cook for a party or for Thanksgiving, I receive high praise. My husband however doesn’t value my cooking. This doesn’t make me want to keep trying, heck food isn’t that important to me anymore.
So we played on a coed softball team. Man I loved getting out there at first. I was having so much fun. I work alone, so getting to have fun with friends at least once a week was awesome and I liked practicing. I’m an alright softball player. I’m not the typical female college softball player. I’m a girly girl in many ways, but I’m a solid player. I’m a base hitter and generally don’t make many errors. I’m just not a superstar. That said, I can hit pretty darn well, especially for my size. I can often burn the fielders my first time up to bat, because they move in after looking at me. So we are at batting practice and my husbands friend says “man, there are not many women who can hit the ball like your wife.” My husband was like “eh.” Overhearing this made me feel good and horrible about myself all in one moment. I still don’t understand why this man married me, if he doesn’t see value in me. I’m constantly wondering what I could have done differently to make him see value in me.
As I get older I feel like I wasted my good years on someone who never has and never will appreciate me. I gave up a lucrative career to stay home with our children, and time does not do most of us any favors.
So I’m left with a lingering question. Is it normal to want to feel like an amazing person to our significant other? Is it normal to want to feel like a rockstar in bed, and that this person sees the virtue in you as well? Or on the other hand, is this character flaw on my part that means I’m just too needy?