Some days you just ask yourself why over and over. Why are things this way? Why didn’t I make better choices? Why me?
I can’t help but wonder what I did to deserve being treated this way. I’m far from perfect, but I know I’m kind. I know I don’t say hurtful things, besides the occasional “why are you being such a dick to me?” It slips out when I can’t take any more yelling or insults.
Over the last couple of weeks I was laughed at when I mentioned how having to rebuild my business after I had finally reached the point of really being profitable and secure in my career. That really hurt me. Is it normal to be so hurt, when you put your blood sweat and tears into building something from the ground up, or am I too sensitive? He always tells me I’m too sensitive, but I rarely cry. I take in all of my surroundings, and I can generally feel what other people are feeling. I can sense when people need something. I’ve always thought this was a gift. Sometimes complete strangers breakdown and give me their life story in a public bathroom, or any time I’m on a plane. It makes me feel human and connected to people. To my husband however, these are just words to get me to shut up. Words to keep me from asking anything of him.
We truly do not have a connection. He doesn’t really feel, at least not like most people do. He doesn’t have meaningful relationships with anyone. He doesn’t ever just spend time with people. Everything has to be action related or movies, so that you don’t have to talk. We recently went to a BBQ where I had a couple of really great conversations with other guests and he was off playing volleyball with the middle school boys, so that he didn’t have to participate in the conversations being had. I never really noticed this before. We’ve never had couple friends. The only time we do things with other couples, is in a large group. Now I understand why. He can mingle and often try to be the life of the party, without actually connecting with anyone.
While I always knew something was off with our relationship and that he hurt me often, I didn’t actually understand what was going on until our counselor told me about NPD. Now so many things are so much more clear, but it doesn’t change how deeply I’m mourning for my family now. My husband on the other hand is doing his typical dance of over the top happiness, acting like his world is so much better now that we are ending our relationship. He even told me that one day I’ll look back and realize how great he is and how great my life was, but he will never miss me or regret not having me to deal with anymore.
I’m still unclear on what he “deals” with. I don’t nag him about anything. I cook. I clean. I take care of the kiddos. I contribute financially. I do the grocery shopping. I have done more than my share of the remodel work. I even got everything ready for his family to visit, and went shopping for them even though a day before they arrived he told me how awful I am. I think there is a good chance that this had more to do with breaking me down, so I seem like a pitiful excuse of a person to them. I realized years ago, he would always pick a fight with me before we were suppose to do something with friends or family. It use to defeat me, where I would not go, or I would be a little miserable while we were out. While it isn’t always easy for me, I’ve been trying to find more of my old outgoing self in these circumstances, even though I’m hurting. I don’t want people to see my pain or think I’m a snob or rude person. I’m really not.
For being so sensitive, I’ve truly had to be so incredibly strong and self assuring for so many years. It’s funny how I can’t say even a truthful negative thing about my husband i.e. you didn’t get the project quite right, but he can practically tear me limb by limb, and I have to somehow heal myself without even an apology.
The biggest why I’m asking myself these days, is why did I move after the consoler told me about the abuse? Why do I always hope for the best in him?