Today I feel like an empty shell. I’m struggling to find the words to type. I use to have so much going for me. Now I’m so afraid of life. I’ve made so many bad decisions. I’ve given up so much of myself for someone else. I don’t mean my children. I think that mothers give up and gain a great deal with motherhood. I just mean that I have maneuvered my entire life around a man that doesn’t even love me. When I asked him years ago why he married me his response was “you were well rounded and motivated.” How I can decipher that now knowing what I do about NPD is that I am good at many things and I will work hard to please him. Even though that is the truth, I’ve spent years trying to do enough to be appreciated or even possibly praised by him, but it never comes and heaven forbid I’m actually having a bad day where I need a little encouragement. That is one thing I’ve learned to never ask for, because those are the days where I will get a whirlwind of crap, just to break me a little more. The days he knows I don’t have the energy to even fight it.
No matter how much I educate myself on NPD, I don’t understand how a person who claimed to love you, really just wanted to destroy you. I wish I would have hid myself away, rather than be where I am today. I wish I could have been smarter. I don’t want to feel broken and alone.
I guess that brings me to why am I writing a blog. I literally have a couple of friends I could reach out to and one has known for years, some of what I’ve been through, but when you talk to people about it, they don’t really fully understand how hard it is to think straight. I want to do the very best for my girls, and at the same time, I just want to move back home where I have support and where I have family to help me get back on my feet.
I’m completely lost, and alone. How do I get through this?