So often I would fall completely silent in his rage. His rage that never made any sense to me i.e. I would want to talk about the fact that we had not had any date nights, and maybe we could try to have more. This to me is something normal we should be able to talk about, but all of a sudden I’m in a whirlwind of screaming, and him coming at me like he’s going to hit me, and my mind can’t even understand what the hell is going on. It is hard for me to remember what all the fights were about, because there were so many and rarely were they over anything important.  We don’t have little fights about money or nagging. Sitting here typing away I realize that the fights were always huge if I wanted or needed anything i.e. a little more help with the household this week, because I’m going to be slammed with work. Nope, it isn’t going to happen, because he does enough, he does just as much as me, if not more (in his mind).  The funny thing is now that my girls are old enough to see and understand, I’m not as conflicted with this, because I have backup that I never even asked for.

The other day my 10 year old said to her father “you always say you do so much work, but I don’t really see it. Mom is always working and you are sleeping in, watching movies and playing softball.” I can’t even tell you how much that meant to me.

I do work all the time. I do more than my share, especially right now. I need this house to be complete, so we can sell it. He isn’t going to do much to help (his words “I’m not going to bust my ass on a house you want to sell”, so it is up to me. I need to make a good profit off this house to survive.

I will never understand why Narcissists don’t see the truth. I will never understand being so heartless and uncaring. It’s like they don’t stand for anything, there is absolutely no emotional connection or talk of anything beyond surface level. I can think of a couple of times, where I’ve gone into my passionate explanation of what equality should be, and it’s like talking to a wall. If you ever want to get me fired up, just start taking to me about freedom and how all people deserve to be treated, yet I’ve allowed myself to be abused for years.

Actually I didn’t allow it, I was abused in a way that I never saw it coming.  I didn’t even know I was suffering from abuse, until our therapist told me. It is straight up brainwashing, and if you are someone who loves deeply and gives all of yourself, you are a prime target. You don’t even know what is going on, even though you know it isn’t quite normal. Then your idea of normal changes. I had to ask a girlfriend about her idea of normal, just to see if I was actually crazy like he says.  You find yourself questioning everything and hurting so deeply, you think there is something wrong with you. Then you feel so broken, you don’t know where to start.

I think the best way my abuser got me was tricking me into thinking I was getting the beautiful family I’ve always wanted.  Coming from a broken home, I’ve never wanted that for my children, so he knew I would do all I could to keep this family together. Even now I’d giving anything for a loving supportive family, that in my mind I see as being so easy to have.  Just stop hurting me. I’m one of the most forgiving people you could ever meet.  Please stop hurting me.

So I caved and texted him

Me – “Do you care about how the things you have said to me over the years have effected me and made me feel about myself and our relationship?

Him – “yes”

Me – “Then why do you keep doing it?”

Him – “Why don’t you EVER have sex with me? Why is there always an excuse? Why can’t you be happy with your life?”

Narcissists will never face questions. They just turn everything back around on you and leave you with nothing. There is no understanding it.  They don’t care about how you feel, they only care about themselves.

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