This old saying could not be more true. What haunts me is how great of a life we could have, if this man was not abusive and could just learn how to feel like a normal human being. Financially secure, with a great home, and smart beautiful children, horses, dogs, could have had chickens coming. A ranch with an amazing view and so much potential. I dreamed of attending graduations, weddings and births as a solid family, having our grandchildren as much as our children would allow us. Growing old as slowly as possible.  LOL

A girlfriend just told me that no one would ever know the suffering and turmoil that engulfs me daily, because from the outside it looks like I have it all. Some may wonder, when they don’t ever see posts of or about my husband on FB, but I only post the happy stuff. Not because I’m afraid exactly to post other stuff, it’s because the other stuff is too hard and sad, and everyone says we shouldn’t post that stuff anyway. I feel like we should be able to post anything we want, respectively, but I guess I’m a rare bird.  I still do not bash the man who has made me feel so small and worthless to this world. I’m not that person. I’m too kind.

Narcissists love the good, moral, kind, generous souls of the world. They love trying to break the moral boundaries of a good person. They feed off the confusing and disoriented state they set out to put us in. One minute this person is acting like they love you “don’t want to live without you” and the next they are telling you that no one likes you because you are such a bitch. One minute they tell you they support your business and the next they tell you what a burden you are for running a business from our home. It is a whirlwind of a mind f@*k!

So where am I now? Grieving for the family I’m losing. Grieving for the future I wanted more than anything, all while trying to pick myself up again from square one. I’m trying to figure it all out and make my girls proud of me. I’m trying to be strong.

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