Once you really start to look into NPD you realize things are much deeper than you ever imagined. I joined a group that has really helped me see things more clearly.  For example my husband is a VERY offensive driver. He has been pulled over so many times that he truly has no idea how many times. He has had to attend driving school on more than one occasion.  Truthfully it would probably be best if the next time he is pulled over for driving 20-25 MPH over the speed limit, he were actually taken to jail.  That said, jail probably wouldn’t even phase him. He really does think he is above everything and everyone. The rules don’t apply to him.  So the post below really struck a nerve with me.

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For years I have asked him to drive a little less offensively while other people are in the car. Then I stopped asking and just stared immediately getting on my phone when we were in the car. I can honestly say that I have had neck and shoulder issues from his driving. My head is often slammed into the back of my headrest. While I have always known his driving is horrible, it wasn’t until I read this post that I realized the truth in the situation. Since I have lessened my complaining about his driving, my head is slammed into the headrest even more often, but the truth is that over the past couple of years I’ve grown numb and stopped saying much at all. They slowly destroy your will to care about even your own safety.

Not too long ago he was driving my truck really aggressively. I aways have a knife in my truck. Generally to cut hay bales and such. Anyway my knife which never causes any problems when I’m driving was flying around in the upper dashboard glove compartment. He can’t handle anything rattling while he’s driving. He gets ticked off and pulls the knife out of the glove compartment and is trying to put it in the other glove compartment by me in the passenger area. I’m on my phone of course, trying to ignore his ridiculousness.  He then gets insanely pissed because he wants me to automatically take care of it for him, even though he didn’t say a word to me or ask for help. He said something crappy to me and I responded nonchalantly with something along the lines of “well I didn’t want it moved, it is my truck and I like it where I had it.”

He gunned the truck crossing lanes, and then slammed on the breaks parking the truck in the middle of a not too busy intersection and got out of the truck and started walking. I sat there for a minute thinking WTF just happened. Then I climbed over to the driver seat and started driving. I started off leaving him, but I turned back around and picked him up.  In hindsight, I really wish I would have just left him there. He deserved that, but in general, I always do the “right” thing. I don’t have it in me to be unkind. Probably from all the abuse more than anything, but when I think about it, I don’t want to ever be unkind to anyone, especially now. I don’t deserve to be hurt and neither does anyone else.

Now I realize how controlling this behavior is, but I cannot even express in words how hard it is to see the abuse when you are in the tornado. The biggest part of my life right now is learning how to see the abuse to begin with. I have to recognize the unhealthy behaviors to heal these wounds, and not allow anyone to treat me like this.

I’m sure it is almost impossible to understand this from the outside looking in. Truthfully I don’t think anyone can fully understand it, unless they have experienced it.

 

Afterthought: When I was in labor with our first child. I was in horrible pain because she was not positioned correctly. He drove 10 mph under the speed limit the hole way there. I remember saying “if there ever was a time to speed like you always do, it would be now.” He actually took pleasure in seeing my pain. Everything is a mind game, that the victims don’t even know is being played.

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